| | 當我第一次聽到「剩斗士」、「必剩客」、「齊天大剩」這些對25歲以上單身女子的諢號時，不像附文中的Ms. Zhong那樣生氣，相反感覺妙趣橫生。雖然自己也屬於這些調侃用詞的對象，但想到這個時代居然有一天能將一班具代表性的「大齡女青年」和偶像級的虛構人物及享譽全球的快餐店招牌掛起鉤來，且按照年齡級別排出愈演愈烈的熨貼代名詞，我真是咯咯地為其間的創造力與生動感笑出聲來，可能在這一點上，我是屬於那種挨了巴掌還覺癢的傻子。而且，內地興說的「剩女」要比台灣流行的「敗犬」相對客觀、中肯得多，畢竟所「剩」並不代表差，無非是機緣、選擇導致的一個狀態而已，要說這狀態正不正常，不用管別人怎麼標籤，自己心中平衡就好。
其實，許多單身女子的煩惱根源與已婚的一樣，都是來自慾望。恨嫁的女子往往不自覺地將人生的價值、個人的幸福全盤壓在了婚姻二字上，彷彿找到了好歸宿就能成全一切似的，殊不知夫妻相處之道、教子之方需要透過更成熟的心智去不斷領悟與學習，生活壓力及面對不完美、不協調、不如意的可能性亦比單身時代更多更頻，那個時候，或許你就會掉頭想念起單身日子所享有卻被你低估或忽視的自由、自主、隨性、隨意了。圍城的道理好像誰都懂，但誰都不太能達至無慾無求的境地，所以人便開始有各種各樣的不快樂，問為什麼不快樂，有時找到緣由了，又不知如何或不努力改變。
文中提到一個調查統計說在北京25至50歲的單身女子人數近五十萬，上海則約有一百萬，對於這些數目字和該項統計所反映的社會現象，我沒有什麼想法，倒是疑問50歲以上的單身或孤寡婦女怎麼不太受關注。說到老齡婦女，社會似乎認為她們已與marriageability（適婚性）毫不沾邊，換個角度來說，婚姻的受關注度遠遠大於戀愛本身，好像年齡漸長意味著談情說愛的需求逐減。這種觀念的傾向很有必要扭轉，西方不少年長的人都相當享受「黃昏戀」，將男友女友掛在嘴邊也是常事，對於他們來說，年齡從來就不是一個問題或限制，誰無論處於哪個人生階段都有追求愛的權利。即使對於文中關注的這批中青年未婚婦女而言，比起嫁人，她們「恨」的更應是戀愛，而不要跳級去指望更遠一些的東西。最近我有個小怪想法，與其空想怎麼找個好老公，不如多想想怎麼去談好戀愛，如果在拍拖期間都在感情經營上「求求其其」（隨隨便便），以後的婚姻生活又怎會一切順當呢？
有人說，Mr. Right會在right（適當）的時候出現，想一想，什麼是適當的時候呢？往往是你未意識到適不適當之際，甚至是一個你判斷不夠適當的情境也不一定。關鍵看，你自己的態度、觀念、心態是不是到了發現Mr. Right的適當水平。引文受訪人都較為強調標準、物質，筆者亦曾有過類似的想法，現在雖也不是無慾無求的仙女，但在觀察思考後得出，有些觀念看法被解讀、接受、追風得太過迅速及自然，人們真像被卷進了一個大旋渦，什麼都看不清晰，甚至暈頭轉向。比如，貧賤夫妻百事哀，做得好不如嫁得好之類的，年輕人好像都特別怕挨窮，愛攀比，重包裝，希望透過別人的家底和努力讓自己一「嫁／娶」永逸，另一邊廂，又將自己的某些付出看得太重，而將某些犧牲看得太輕。昨晚看張國榮跨越九七演唱會，便想起林奕華的反問，如果名譽、地位、金錢等同於快樂的話，那麼擁有這一切的哥哥為何又跳樓呢？在渴求這些東西的人是不是已經喪失了從別處獲得滿足及找尋快樂的能力呢？受訪人的擔憂苦惱挺有代表性，找到門當戶對甚至物質還優的伴侶的確不是件容易的事，但享有soul mate（靈魂伴侶）相對來說不是更困難嗎？前者也許在短時間內可以覓得，後者卻需要更強的機緣、更深的情感與信任，但在還未遇見的任何時刻都值得追求，並能一生甜蜜相伴。
謹以此文獻給身邊或網中正在為相關問題焦慮的單身女朋友們，祝大家三八婦女節領悟到快樂的一些源泉所在。
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引文摘自今日South China Morning Post,A6
Price too high for 'leftover' women
Still looking for that special Mr Right who's taller, richer, older, stronger
He Huifeng
On a recent Tuesday night, while watching a popular show, 37-year-old Shenzhen trade manager Zhong Wenshan found herself trembling with anger and self-pity on her couch after the show's male host called single women older than 35 "Great Sage Equalling Heaven".
Great Sage Equalling Heaven was the honorific given to the Monkey King, the main character in the ancient novel Journey to the West. But Chinese now use it to describe "leftover women" - not young but single - because sage and leftover are pronounced the same in Putonghua and Cantonese.
Zhong was hurt by what the TV host said, but she is not alone. "Leftover women" have become a hot topic on the mainland, especially in cities. Statistics indicate that there are roughly half a million single women aged between 25 and 50 living in Beijing, with the number reaching a million in Shanghai.
"Leftover women" seems an odd phenomenon on the mainland, which has been beset by a gender imbalance due to a centuries-old preference for males.
Demographic data shows there will be 30 million to 40 million more men of marriageable age than women by 2020, with one in every five men expected to have difficulty finding a wife.
However, more and more women are joining the "leftover" club, with last year's financial crisis exacerbating the situation because fewer men were able to "afford" wives.
"I really mind people calling me `leftover'," Zhong said. "I'm not one of those determined to be single. I've been looking for a good man for marriage for years. But it's hard to find the right one."
Zhong has a decent job and sound educational background but also high expectations of Mr Right. "He should be city-born, not from a rural area; older than me; better educated than me, at least with a master's degree; at least 175cm tall; have a good financial situation with a salary of at least 10,000 yuan (HK$11,350); and be healthy and gentle.
"In the past couple of years, my parents have become worried about my marriageability and have introduced me to some men, however, none of them were suitable. In traditional minds, a single woman above 30 is very odd and against orthodoxy."
Such high and particular standards for choosing a spouse are a common reason for the existence of "leftover women", Sun Yat-sen University women's studies professor Lu Ying said.
"Modern society provides Chinese women with more opportunities than their mothers' generation to have equal education and financial independence from men," Lu said. "But they still follow the Chinese traditional marriage values that husbands are supposed to perform better than wives in every area.
"Western people focus more on ensuring their own happiness. But Chinese women usually set restrictions on themselves when finding a partner: he should be taller than I am, older than I am, stronger than I am and richer than I am."
The All-China Women's Federation released a survey last year showing that about 41 per cent of single women on the mainland were worried they might not be able to find the right person to marry.
However, only 8.1 per cent of single men felt the same way.
About 40 per cent of women admitted they had high expectations of their future husbands, but 44 per cent said they would not lower their standards just to get married.
As such women grow older but still refuse to lower their standards, the number of men who meet their requirements gradually grows smaller.
Soaring property prices and living costs have also worsened the predicament for "leftover women" and led to increasing numbers of them across the country.
"I look for satisfactory material conditions and similar family background in a husband, not just emotional attachment," said Deng Liting, a 22-year-old graduate in Guangzhou. "Men must have an apartment before looking for a wife. That has been a prerequisite among all the women I know."
Property prices in recent years have stung people across the country, which has a deep-rooted tradition that every family should "own" its own home; living in rented accommodation just doesn't provide the same level of happiness and accomplishment.
"I have heard and witnessed many break-up stories in real life," Deng said. "Young couples in love who are forced to separate, or young women leaving their poor boyfriends for rich married men since the young men can't afford an apartment for marriage."
She said she would not get married until she found a man who had an apartment.
"Most men in my age bracket are not qualified because a graduate usually earns around 2,000 to 3,000 yuan a month, while an apartment now costs millions," she said.
To look for a man with property, Deng said she had been busy arranging blind dates after graduating from college.
"All young women do the same thing, as far as I know," she said. "We all understand how hard it is to find a good man for marriage under the current economic situation."
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